Ever contradictory

The role of contradiction is apparent in the changes of direction Brook himself has chosen throughout his career, through Shakespeare, commercial comedy, television, cinema and opera: ‘I’ve really spent all my working life in looking for opposites,’ Brook suggested in an interview with The Times. ‘This is a dialectical principle of finding a reality through opposites.’³⁸ He emphasises the role of contradiction as a means of awakening understanding, taking Elizabethan drama as an example: ‘Elizabethan drama was exposure, it was confrontation, it was contradiction and it led to analysis, involvement, recognition and, eventually, to an awakening of understanding.’³⁹ Contradiction is not destructive, but a balancing force. It has its role to play in the genesis of all processes. The absence of contradiction would lead to general homogenisation, a dwindling of energy and eventual death. ‘Whatever contains contradiction … contains the world,’ claims Lupasco, whose conclusions are based on quantum physics.⁴⁰ Brook points out the constructive role of negation in the theatre of Beckett: ‘Beckett does not say ‘no’ with satisfaction: he forges his merciless ‘no’ out of a longing for ‘yes,’ and so his despair is the negative from which the contour of its opposite can be drawn.

yup. That's how I feel.

Light Before We Land

In cases such as these I'd like a hand

Don't wake me up without a master plan

With silence I'm becoming fragile 

Don't you understand?

When things that once were beautiful

Are bland

And when I feel like I can feel once again

Let me stay awhile

Soak it in awhile

If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong

Buy a little time

For this head of mine

Haven for us

In truth there is no better place to be

Than falling out of darkness still to see

Without a premonition

Could you tell me where we stand?

I'd hate to lose this light

Before we land

And when I feel like I can feel once again

Let me stay awhile

Soak it in awhile

If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong

Buy a little time

For this head of mine

Haven for us

Before we let euphoria

Convince us we are free

Remind us how we used to feel

Before when life was real

And when I feel like I can feel once again

Let me stay awhile

Soak it in awhile

If we can hold on we can fix what is wrong

Buy a little time

For this head of mine

Haven for us 

If you'd like to hear this actual song- scroll down to the very bottom.  It's on my playlist (towards the bottom).  Enjoy!

Promised Conclusion of Hiatus!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOUFIE!!

I've been gone (absent) from my blog for quite some time. I've probably killed off all of two followers that I think used to read my blog and keep up with me- IT'S TIME TO GET 'EM BACK!

I want my blog back and so I will be getting it back in gear. That means writing @ least once a week- and updating some of the old things and stuff. Things change. Things progress. That's good.

So just a few things that are new... hmmm....

I'm still in Cedar City Utah but that soon will change as I will be moving up to SLC in

December. How permanent will that be? Depends.

I've auditioned for the Utah Shakespearean traveling tour- which would be oh so sweet! It would be from January-April, and it would go through Utah, Nevada, Idaho, Arizona and parts of California. I'D GET PAID TO fool around & act. Making money is priority 1 these days, so that would be great.

So yeah. Maybe one of the reasons that I didn't post so many things is not much has been going on lately. I'm still working in the box office of the Utah Shakespearean Festival- and I'm participating in an independent project with some of my friends here @ SUU in a production called Life without Parole.

It's a play based on brief interviews with female convicts who've been victims of domestic abuse. I play Helen Broker who is up for parole and has to plead her case. There are five main beautiful stories that all bleed together towards the end of the show & it's been very rewarding.

And to be honest I should really get back to memorizing...

We go up next weekend.

And as with time a lot has changed & a lot has stayed exactly the same. I'm excited to go to my sisters... I think 3rd Annual Adoption Walk. It's this Saturday in Salt Lake City. I'm looking forward to seeing my family and seeing PINBACK on November 7th @ the Depot. That should be really fun & I'll put up pictures.

So again- nothing much to talk about- and that makes for riveting blog entries I'm sure. I just basically wanted to update all those that do read this- that more riveting blog entries will be coming soon.

WHAT I HEAR:

(what I'm listening to as of now)

MUSE

The Resistance

(released September 09)

GRIZZLY BEAR

Veckatimest

(released May 09)

Random Story, Seeking Second Chances

Pay no attention to this, unless you want to take the time to read it.  It is just something from 'Braid' that I wanted to keep.

Chapter 1  

At a cafe on a bright plaza, most customers sit back, feeling the warmth of  the sun, enjoying their cold drinks. But not Tim - he barely notices the sun,  

doesn't really taste his coffee. For him this corner affords a good view of the  city, and in the teetering of the passers-by, in the arc of a shop-girl's 

hand  as she displays tea to an interested gentleman, Tim hopes to see clues.  

That night at the cinema, fictitious adventurers lunge implausibly across the  screen. The audience here is mixed. 

Some are patrons of the cafe, now sitting  excitedly in the plush chairs, eager for another new flavor, for distraction  from the boredom of their 

easy lives. Other seats hold fisherman and farm  workers, hoping to forget their toils and rest their hands.  Tim is here too, but he is scrutinizing 

the gloss on the lips on the screen,  measuring the angle of the plume of a distant helicopter crash. He thinks he  discerns a message, when the cinema

 closes and most of the audience strolls  down the plaza to the south, Tim goes north.  People like Tim seem to live oppositely from the other residents

 of the city.  Tide and riptide, flowing against each other.  Tim wants, like nothing else, to find the Princess, to know her at last. For Tim this would

 be momentous, sparking an intense light that embraces the world, a light that reveals the secrets long kept from us, that illuminates - or  materializes! -

 a final palace where we can exist in peace.  But how would this be perceived by the other residents of the city, in the  world that flows contrariwise? 

The light would be intense and warm at the  beginning, but then flicker down to nothing, taking the castle with it; it  would be like burning down the 

place we've always called home, where we played  so innocently as children. Destroying all hope of safety, forever.    

Chapter 2: Time and Forgiveness  

Tim is off on a search to rescue the Princess. She has been snatched by a  horrible and evil monster. This happened because Tim made a mistake.  

Not just one. He made many mistakes during the time they spent together, all  those years ago. Memories of their relationship have become muddled, 

replaced  wholesale, but one remains clear: the princess turning sharply away, her braid  lashing at him with contempt.  

He knows she tried to be forgiving, but who can just shrug away a guilty lie, a stab in the back? Such a mistake will change a relationship irreversibly,  

even if we have learned from the mistake and would never repeat it. The  princess's eyes grew narrower. She became more distant. 

Our world, with its rules of causality, has trained us to be miserly with forgiveness. By forgiving them too readily, we can be badly hurt. 

But if we've learned from a mistake and became better for it, shouldn't we be rewarded for  the learning, rather than punished for the mistake?"  

"What if our world worked differently? Suppose we could tell her: 'I didn't  mean what I just said,' and she would say: 'It's okay, I understand,' and she  would not turn away, 

and life would really proceed as though we had never said  that thing? We could remove the damage but still be wiser for the experience." 

 "Tim and the Princess lounge in the castle garden, laughing together, giving  names to the colorful birds. Their mistakes are hidden from each other,

 tucked  away between the folds of time, safe.  

Chapter 3: Time and Mystery

All those years ago, Time had left the Princess behind. 

He had kissed her on  the neck, picked up his travel bag, and walked out the door. He regrets this, to a degree. Now he's journeying to find her again, 

to show her knows how sad it was, but also to tell her how good it was.  For a long time, he thought they had been cultivating the perfect  relationship. 

He had been fiercely protective, reversing all his mistakes so  they would not touch her. Likewise, keeping a tight rein on her own mistakes, 

she always pleased him.  

But to be fully couched within the comfort of a friend is a mode of existence  with severe implications. 

To please you perfectly, she must understand you  perfectly. Thus you cannot defy her expectations or escape her reach. 

Her benevolence has circumscribed you, and your life's achievements will not reach  beyond the map she has drawn."   "Tim needed to 

be non-manipulable. He needed a hope of transcendence. He  needed, sometimes, to be immune to the Princess's caring touch.  

Off in the distance, Tim saw a castle where the flags flutter even when the  wind has expired, and the bread in the kitchen is always warm. 

A little bit of  magic.

    "Chapter 4: Time and Place"  

Visiting his home for a holiday meal, Tim felt as though he had regressed to  those long-ago years when he lived under 

their roof, oppressed by their  insistence on upholding strange values which, to him, were meaningless. Back then, bickering would erupt over drops of 

gravy spilt onto the tablecloth."  "Escaping, Tim walked in the cool air toward the university he'd attended after  moving out of his parent's home. 

As he distanced himself from that troubling  house, he felt the embarrassment of childhood fading into the past. But now he  stepped into all the 

insecurities he'd felt at the university, all the panic of  walking a social tightrope."  "Tim only felt relieved after the whole visit was over, 

sitting back home in  the present, steeped in contrast he saw how he'd improved so much from those  old days. This improvement, day by day, 

takes him ever-closer to finding the  Princess. If she exists - she must! - she will transform him, and everyone.  He felt on his trip that every place

 stirs up an emotion, and every emotion  invokes a memory: a time and location. So couldn't he find the Princess now, tonight, just by wandering 

from place to place and noticing how he feels?  A trail of feelings, of awe and inspiration, should lead him to that castle in  the future her arms 

enclosing him, her scent fills him with excitement, creates  a moment so strong he can remember it in the past.  Immediately Tim walked out his

 door, the next morning, toward whatever the new day held. He felt something like optimism.  

Chapter 5: Time and Decision

She never understood the impulses that drove him, never quite felt the  intensity that, over time, chiseled lines into 

his face. She never quite felt  close enough to him - but he held her as though she were, whispered into her  ear words that only a soul mate should receive.

 Over the remnants of dinner, they both knew the time had come.  He would have  said: 'I have to go find the Princess,' but he didn't need to. Giving a final kiss, hoisting a travel bag to his shoulder, he walked out the door.  Through  all the nights that followed, she still loved him as though he stayed, to  

comfort her and protect her, Princess be damned.  

Chapter 6: Hesitance

Perhaps in a perfect world, the ring would be a symbol of happiness. 

It's a  sign of ceaselessness devotion: even if he will never find the Princess, he will always be trying. He still will wear the ring.  But the thing makes

 its presence known. It shines out to others like a beacon  of warning. It makes people slow to approach. Suspicion, distrust. Interactions are torpedoed

 before Tim can open his mouth."  "In time he learns to deal with the others carefully. He matches their hesitant  pace, tracing a soft path through their

 defenses. But this exhausts him, and it  only works to a limited degree. It doesn't get him what he needs.  Tim begins to hide the ring in his pocket.

 But he can hardly bear it - too long tucked away, that part of him might suffocate.  

Epilogue  

The boy called for the girl to follow him, and he took her hand. He would  protect her; they would make their way through this oppressive castle, 

fighting  off the creatures made of smoke and doubt, escaping to a life of freedom. The  boy wanted to protect the girl. He held her hand, or put his 

arm around her  shoulders in a walking embrace, to help her feel supported and close to him  amid the impersonal throngs of Manhattan. They turned 

and made their way toward the Canal St. subway station, and he picked a path through the jostling crowd.  He worked his ruler and his compass. He

 inferred. He deduced. He scrutinized  the fall of an apple, the twisting of metal orbs hanging from a thread. He was  searching for the Princess, and 

he would not stop until he found her, for he  was hungry. He cut rats into pieces to examine their brains, implanted tungsten  posts into the skulls of

 water-starved monkeys.  He scrutinized the fall of an apple, the twisting of metal orbs hanging from a  thread. Through these clues he would find the 

Princess, see her face. After an especially fervent night of tinkering, he kneeled behind a bunker in the  desert; he held a piece of welder's glass up to

 his eyes and waited.  On that moment hung eternity. Time stood still. Space contracted to a  pinpoint. It was as though the earth had opened and 

the skies split. One felt  as though he had been privileged to witness the Birth of the World... Someone near him said: 'It worked.'

"Someone else said: 'Now we are all sons of bitches.'" 

The candy store. Everything he wanted was on the opposite side of that pane of  glass. The store was decorated in bright colors, and the scents wafting

 out  drove him crazy. He tried to rush for the door, or just get closer to the  glass, but he couldn't. She held him back with great strength. Why 

would she  hold him back? How might he break free of her grasp? He considered violence.  He cannot say he has understood all of this. Possibly he's 

more confused now than ever. But all these moments he's contemplated - something has occurred.  The moments feel substantial in his mind, 

like stones. Kneeling, reaching down  toward the closest one, running his hand across it, he finds it smooth, and  slightly cold.  He tests the stone's 

weight; he finds he can lift in, and the others too. He can fit them together to create a foundation, an embankment, a castle.  To build a castle 

of appropriate size, he will need a great many stones. But what he's got now, feels like an acceptable start...  

The End

Quote

"[Pinter]... continues to inspire me by his fearless examination of men and women while searching for answers, hoping for change, raging for equality-- but never ducking for cover.  Who can ask for more?  What I really admire about Pinter's work-- and strive for in my own-- is that the point of it is not merely to upset people, but that what's being addressed is worth getting upset over." -Neil Labute

As always I'm delving deeper and deeper into one of my favorite playwrights, Neil Labute.  He stings, boy I'll tell ya, but I really just love him.  People have favorite authors, works they like to read, and Neil Labute is sure one of my favorite playwrights.  So far I've read:

-Fat Pig

-Shape of Things

-Some Girls 

-Reasons to be Pretty

-Wrecks

-The Distance from Here

-Autobahn

... and most of Bash... and am currently reading 'This is How It Goes'.  Though some would argue that he is too brutal and that is plays are too truthful at showing life as it is, I would argue that Labute show's us the natural man yes, but that the flaws can be re-arranged... if only we wanted to improve.

Blogs are Back!

It's been so long!!

But I am writing to you now with many new changes...  ha ha I was about to type 'many new changes under my belt' but no, not that many changes, ha ha, but changes nonetheless.  

One of the biggest changes is that I GRADUATED! Yeah, a bachelors in Performing Arts in Theatre performance with a minor in History.  I'm not going to lie, last semester was a real hard one.  (That's what you get for taking 21 credits) and taking some time off school is really something I plan on enjoying.

Which means.... enter working world. 

"Ellesse, what are your plans?"

I'm working at the ticket office (actually as a supervisor) again at the Utah Shakespearean Festival and will work the summer & fall season.  I plan to move back to Salt Lake City and find a job (hopefully theatre related) in December after the season ends.  So like I said, hopefully find a job theatre related but my main goal these days (this next year really) will be 'make money'.  With luck, it will be an easy goal to accomplish to get nearer to my ultimate goal- Moving to London.

I estimate to have enough money by the end of next summer, so that's my tentative plan.  I know plans are made, and then life takes a look @ those plans and shakes everything up, but hey... you have to have a plan and that's mine.  

But many things have happened- my dear friend Alex and beloved cousin Talmage left on missions.  I went on a CRUISE!  Yes, it was a wonderful cruise some friends and I went on to Catalina & also planned to go to Ensenada but with all the scary things happening in Mexico these days decided against it.  It departed from San Diego, my first time in that city but I really didn't get to see much of it to be honest, and we left last monday and stayed overnight in Vegas @ a friends house.  It was nice going around the strip and getting hit on by greasy Elvis impersonators.  We arrived the next day in San Diego.  It was on the Carnival Elation and let me tell you, it was the life.  Doing what you want, seeing some really cheesy entertainment, hanging & sunbathing with friends, eating, eating, eating, eating... oh and don't forget seeing a bunch of rather large people and parts of their bodies in swimming suits that I didn't wish to see, ever...

at all in my life.  But yeah, it was fabulous.  And I plan to post pictures up soon.  Most of them I'll steal from my friends on facebook as I didn't take my camera (I can't find my battery/battery charger).

So not really much to complain of these days- I'm back at work learning the ropes to become a supervisor as my boss will be having twins.  My old London program is back in London currently, making me quite depressed.  They saw Warhorse last week and they'll be seeing Waiting for Godot with Sir McKellen this Saturday and I just can't stand it.  I'm gonna beg to be flown out there for like a weekend just to see Warhorse alone, I want to see it so badly.
Its a wonderful play which is basically saving the theatre scene economically over in London, with it's remounted production currently going on in the West End, it originally went up on the Olivier Stage of the National Theatre.  About a horse and his boy, and the horse is pulled to be one of the horses in the front line during WWI.

On top of that, friends are coming and going, and I'm just working.  I hoping to get time off to go to Canada with the fam for 1st of July so keep your fingers crossed..

Oh AND I SPRAINED my ankle!  I was on my way to church (hurray, I can finally go to church I haven't gone in like 3 weeks) and what do I do?  I look to the left step off a curb and totally POP.  Hurt real bad, and this guy came over and gave me a ride home.  It actually would have been a cute moment had I not been so pathetic.  Since then I've been living at my friend's house for company.  So yeah, I'm Richard III.  

My life probably won't be that exciting, not too much to report weekly but I do want to keep people updated who wish to be.  Look forward to seeing a blog every two weeks or so... again I'll be at the festival and online almost everyday, all day.  

Love you whoever you are,

-ellessie

-ACTF- The Spirit is spoken on Stage!

Another week has gone by full of chaos and humor and I thought I'd take a moment to kind of catch my breath and write down all of the proceedings of what went down. As most of you probably know if you've been caught up with me at all or read the last blog, this last week I spent down in Fullerton California @ the American College Theatre Festival. Five days of workshops, plays, competing and sweet sweet theatre.

MON: We all headed out early Monday morning, ended up leaving around 4:15am so it was good that we decided to meet so early. The weather driving down was crazy!! I kept falling asleep and waking up in an entirely new climate. I woke up just before Baker at one point and we were at a standstill in a complete snow storm. Finally as that afternoon rolled around we arrive in Anaheim and went to DISNEYLAND! It was rather cold and raining during periods but it was nice to have this slow day with so many of my friends. I went on a lot of rides I hadn't been able to for a while, like all the story book ones...I got pixie dust sprinkled on me, got to go on Small World again, first time in like 5 years, and it was just a really nice day.

TUES: Most of this day was registering, and prepping for the first round of the Irene Ryans. Alex & I performed @ 1pm and it went really well... we got great audience reaction...they even laughed at parts that usually you shouldn't laugh at, and then kept laughing and then were like...wait...that shouldn't be funny but it is. Ed Trujillo was our respondant and I knew something was going on because he had really nit-picky things to say about a lot of the performers in our round, but really liked ours. He said we took a risk with that piece and was really proud with how we were able to connect with each other in such a disjointed scene. For those who are curious, Alex and I did a scene from Neil Labute's Land of the Dead, a short 10min play about two people, man & woman remembering a day that "they'll never forget". In truth our scene is basically two monologues overlapping each other, the same day from a different perspective. Myself going to get an abortion and his account of re-thinking it, and leaving me a message, telling me to not go through with it. My reactions of..."You're too late...you're too late I've already done it." And then missing him.."missing both of them" after he dies later that day during 9/11. yeah...real family piece. But I really love it, I love Neil Labute and how he creates these 'condemned characters' that if you look close enough are really saturated in redemption.

WED: This was probably my favorite day at the festival. Low key, low stress and I got to see a lot of plays! I got to see Diablo Valley College's production of Jesus Hopped the A Train. This production had a lot of language, but I really enjoyed this play. It focused on two inmates, one (Angel) just there temporarily awaiting trial after shooting a cult leader in the butt, who later suffered a heart attack from stress and Lucius on death row after killing 8 people but finding reform & God in prison. Who really learned reformation? Who deserved to die. Great statements were made in this show.
"God is a God of convienence. Any day you want to repent and reform yourself, God will be there...He is very convenient."
"I'm gonna die, and they're gonna still be angry!" The play screamed to me that reform and redemption is available to anyone, anyone. Just say your sorry, and learn from something. That afternoon we saw Fullerton's WONDERFUL production of Shakespeare's As You Like It, which I had actually never seen or read before. I loved it so much! It was such a strong production. Their articulation, understanding of the words and their journey was so on point. (Must be for doing two weeks of table work- just understanding the language). The rest was up to par too, the set & costuming was very impressive. As You Like It quickly rose to my number 3 slot of Shakespeare plays, and that was a student production even. It doesn't happen that often to go to a play and feel all girly and twitterpaited but that's exactly how all the girls and I felt sitting on the first row as Rosalind spoke this to us:

It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue;
but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord
the prologue..

.... O women, for the love
you bear to men, to like as much of this play as
please you: and I charge you, O men, for the love
you bear to women--as I perceive by your simpering,
none of you hates them--that between you and the
women the play may please. If I were a woman I
would kiss as many of you as had beards that pleased
me, complexions that liked me and breaths that I
defied not: and, I am sure, as many as have good
beards or good faces or sweet breaths will, for my
kind offer, when I make curtsy, bid me farewell.

After that we hurried over to UVU's production of Nosferatu which I had been anticipating for quite some time. This was by far my favorite production I saw at the festival. I had never seen anything like it. Inspired by London theatre and the growing number of mixed/multi-media productions and inventions being created over there, Nosferatu came along. Basically, we saw all the bones. The audience comes in and see's three random set back drops, cords everywhere, camera's, and one large screen hanging over top. There's no dialogue only the words projected on the screen overhead. The play/movie begins and the actors act out the movie in real time with the techies running everywhere, people holding lights, prepping scenery, filming, and everyone was the performer...everyone was on stage, costumers, prop people, sound board was just buzzing, actors holding up lights and cords...it was incredible. Not only were they re-creating a classic 1922 vampire film before your very eyes, they're also splicing live action performance with footage from the original! It's a mind-bending enterprise, with multiple camera angles and multiple sets being utilized simultaneously to create something I'd never seen before. I went everywhere with my theatre journal of course, and some of the things I wrote down were how...so often it seems like there's a stigma...actors vs. techies, or even stage vs. film...but in this production, film was the weapon. Everything about this was a live stage performance but it was delivered and sustained through a completely new medium. As soon as it was over, I went outside and got in line again, saw it twice..it was so incredible. I was amazed that though they were working within a new medium, it still sustained the vital role of what theatre is supposed to do, which is: inspire discussion, create a catharsis, and carving a path. I fell in love with classical theatre, but more and more ever since London, I am being woo'd by the vast frontier that is the contemporary world.

THURS: Woke up with the text from Alex.
"Congratulations. We're moving on." WHAT?!?
Alex and I were lucky enough to make it to the semi-finals. Out of 350 Irene Ryan Competitors, 33 were chosen and we were part of the lucky few. I was so nervous. I did not expect to move on, the whole thing is a dog show anyway and I didn't want to have to deal with the stress. I was honored though, and after I calmed down a bit was excited to have a chance to perform again. That afternoon we saw Fire in the Bones from Weber State all about the life, work & death of William Tynsdale who translated the bible to english from latin, and Don Coyote by Arizona State University, about immigrant coyote's, an interesting play. To finish off the night we watched a production of Life without Parole from Vanguard University of Southern Cali. This play focused on the true stories of five women, victims of domestic abuse who were living out sentences for killing at a correctional institute in Chino. The play in itself kind of had a Vagina Monologue feel with their stories, such sad stories of warning and confusion, overlapping each other. This created an interesting discussion on the way home, but my stomache was already beginning to tie knots.

FRI: I was so nervous. Alex and I were to perform in the first half of the semi-finals and we were loaded into the back of this 'Little Theatre' Oh..man... going to Fullerton made me so jealous of some of the facilites they had there. Their performing Arts building was huge, they had so many black boxes, and beautiful thrusts, proceniums, and arena theatre's...I was very very envious. We performed in the 'Little Theatre' and spent about an hour fretting and working ourselves up with the rest of the semi-finalists. Man...did I learn some interesting warm ups to say the least. Dang theatre kids, trying to get comfortable, touching each other and what not. Anyway it's gonna make for some funny impressions. Alex and I could do nothing but stare at most of them. We peformed, not quite as great as our first time, our rhythm was a little different, but I am still very proud of our performance and how it landed. We went to the performance of the play Heartland from MiraCosta College, a student written submission that was...alright. The set was pretty cool, based on true stories from World War II, “Heartland” deals with an often-forgotten aspect of the war: the mistreatment of and prejudice against German-American immigrants. To finnish the night Meggan, Tasha, Katilin, Jen & I went out to the Spaghetti factory got some dinner, and spent the rest of the night thawing out at the hotel's hot tub.

SAT: This was a nice low key day, stared off the day late...packed and got some things wrapped up. That afternoon we went to California State East Bay University's production of Tongues by Sam Shepard, this was another theatre experience (if you could call it "theatre") that I had ever seen before. It was more in the performance art genre, a mix between poetry "long verse"/theatre/ and dance. It spoke different things to different people, but the audience/performer line was very thin. As we were lining up to see the show, about 8 performers, of diverse ethnicities, diverse abilities, line up (some being pushed in wheelchairs) and started to march, playing drums, banjo's, trombones...dusty, dirty, in browns & creams- they were the dead.
"Who will be the voice of the dead?" Random chairs in the audience were reserved and empty with a picture of a deceased love one. Poetry was spoken at times, along with dance...it made me think of the scripture, 2 Nephi 2:25 "...and men are that they might have joy." Except I kept thinking, "that they might find joy." Heavenly Father has certainly blessed me enough with the courage and support to find my joy. The play kept reminding me about how we came down to this earth in part to gain a body...about what happens with his bag of skin when we die...and if it was to come with us, be nothing but body & spirit, how sometimes all it could do would be to dance for joy...dance for confusion? Dance just to dance. The play had lines like:
"You are dead. Everything that you left unfinnished, will now remain permanantly unfinnished. You are entirely dead."
"They kept telling me, I'm gonna find peace. It's gonna get better."
Some of the poetry was full of peace, some despair, some just confusion.
"Today the tree bloomed without a word," he says. "Tonight I'm learning its language."
Here are to clips so you can kind of get an idea of what I'm talking about...the wheelchair performer's themselves were pretty amazing:

AND


It was incredible. After that we got a bite to eat @ In-n-Out burger and went to watch the Finalists (16) of them perform. 3 of the Fullerton 'As You Like It' students made it in to the finals, surprise surprise, but over all they were some good and some "how the heck did they get there" performances. I wasn't really paying much attention to their performances however, as we were sitting (on purpose) right behind the judges, which included TONY HALE, a.k.a. BUSTER of Arrested Development fame, and we were freaking out! He was so nice, during intermissoin we got to speak to him, and he was more than nice- he was really outgoing and friendly even.

We got pictures with him and I kind of stole his water bottle....some friends and I are going to drink it...maybe this time we'll get the Arrested Development-aids instead of disney-aids from when we drank the water of the pirates of the Caribbean ride.


I was gonna finish the week with my friend Ammon in San Diego but things didn't line up very well and it would have turned into just a hassle so I headed home with the rest of them. Now that ACTF is over, its time for me to slow down, catch my breath, and get caught back up.

And when you thought I had died...

I know! I know!
I'm sorry, I should be punished but here you are, finally an update.
I will try to be better about this kind of thing I will, but I've barely been treading water these days with school and everything. It's been a month everyone is already swamped... Hussling to get everything accomplished. I've been really busy getting ready for ACTF. That's the American College Theatre Festival that's going on at CAL State in Fullerton California this year. Been preparing for about two months for it and it's finally arrived. ACTF will take place Tues-Sat. and I'm quite excited for it. Especially since tomorrow, Monday, a group of us are going to Disneyland! Disneyland in itself is fun and excited but going with so many of your friends is enough to make anyone happy. Tuesday we check in, and the rest of the week is full of plays, workshops, and competitions. Those nominated for an Irene Ryan (which this year include myself) are responsible for choosing partners, and selecting three scenes...well, ish...to perform. On tuesday my friend Alex & I will be performing our first scene, Neil Labute's Land of the Dead. It's a really good scene, we've worked hard on it and I'm excited that we have the chance to do it even. We're also singing a song from Jason Robert Brown's 'I'd Give it All for You' from 'Songs for a New World', and then I'm performing a monologue from Taming of the Shrew. I'm playing the monologue a bit like I saw this last summer when I saw Taming in Stratford-- relying on just the text and performing it-- at as slightly sexist view of Shakespeare. So that's all kept me hopping....we had Night of Absurdism last week where some friends and I performed Beckett's Play, which is a favorite of mine....ever since I've seen it, I've loved the piece and I'm excited to do it. I play the wife.

So I'll be doing that till Saturday and then might join up with my friend Ammon and go to San Diego-- I've never been to San Diego and I wann go. Nothing much new to report, just doing all my course work, (THREE HISTORY classes!) And rehearsals for the show Closer that I'm in. Nothing much else to report, but I'm going to be happy with I can start checking these things off my list.

On a random note....and mostly because I want to store it somewhere it won't get lost, I'm posting this little list of things about me.......It's something that was going around facebook for a while "25 Random Things about Self" and I did it...I'm gonna post it up. On another note, slightly relating to that note-- my friend Hye Soo has asked myself and a bunch of my girlfriends to participate in her piece for Directing II, called Origins. Where the woman rights down things about herself, in particular a defining moment that changed her life...I need to start pondering about mine.

2. I cannot easily put into words how much music has a role in my life. People know I'm always listening to it but- the reason I adore it so much is that I value the connections I have with people, you know 'those moments', more than anything...and with me, music, fits into my world, into my head, into me, everytime. It's addicting, rarely does anyone fill that space.
3. I miss my father every single day. Everything that happened, with that situation, I will be forever grateful for.
4. Is my absolute favorite number. I like the way it looks, how it sounds, I was one of four children, my mom was one of four children, her sister had four children, her brother had four children, and her other brother had four children. I want four children....?
5. I'm always talking. In my head, I'm always going. I never stop.
6. Few people know that when I was young, I had a complete group of people. I would draw them all the time. They had names, hobbies, a world, houses, neighbors, best friends, a school...everything. I had problems sleeping when I was little and I would go through cartoons of them in my head. I draw them every once in a while, but I need to draw them more.
7. When I was in the 5th grade, I submitted a drawing to the Seattle Children's Theatre of a favorite play I'd seen, (Alice through the Looking Glass), it and three other pieces were chosen and woven into a giant tapestry that to this day hangs in the lobby of the Seattle Children's Theatre.
8. My dog saved me. I love that Keemo.
9. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to reckless decisions. Even if I'd want to, my head would follow through and realize it's not the best choice, I just wanna be dumb.
10. I've never been in a position to deal out an ultimatum. I really wish I could once.
11. Coldplay has a song about returning to a place just to burn it down. I hope one day to return to my house in Washington, buy it back, and fill it with love.
12. Favorite scripture: D&C 88:11
13. I hate the word produce. hate it. hate it. I also never want to live in Texas ever. I really don't hate Texas, there's nothing wrong with it Shani...I just ...can't live there......I rarely hate anything to be honest. Movies especially. I can always see where they're coming from.
14. For the most part, I don't lie anymore.
15. I want to name two of my sons Atticus, and Jonas from 'The Giver' (my favorite book).
16. I don't think I'm very smart. Don't get me wrong, one of the reasons I think I make a fairly good actress is because I know I see things differently "learn differently" whatever. But I know I'm not smart, not about stuff most people are.
17. I am so thankful that my family, my mom especially, made it a priority for our family to always be connected, my cousins are so close to me, thanks to Grandma Lil & Grandpa Holly, Canada, and floats.
18. London changed my life. Especially the moment I had with a pigeon. Ask if you're curious. Aren't you curious!?! Every part of me just pulls everyday to go back. I will go back, it's where I want to act. I wanna be Damed.
19. The colors for my wedding are inspired from Lord of the Rings, which changed my life.
20. Two of the best compliments/hopes I was ever given, that I've always thought about and laid upon were given to me by my father and by a guy stoned out of his mind.
21. I don't act to escape from myself, I act to understand myself more. I think trying to escape from who you are is one of the saddest things.
22. A young boy (7) at camp I worked at told me that I'd marry a nice guy, but he'd get bored with me. yikes.
23. I have fear of mental illness, dark windy country roads, and being forgotten. I am so happy I met you.
24. My favorite place in the world is a rusty swing in Southern Alberta.
25. I have a family video (the erf angull bideo) that I value so much. One of those things that you'd grab like in a burning building right? It's what I'd imagine heaven will be like, including the ABBA.
26. I wanna be chosen. Just once.
27. For the most part, I have a lot of peace in my life. I'm really thankful for that. I know everything will be alright for me and for whom I love. My Heavenly Father gave me that peace. When things get hard, I float in that peace. I'm an optimist and a realist....same thing.

This may have been the most boring post I've ever put up here, but at least its something of an update right? And like I said, my head is barely above water these days.
Love to all of you!
Talk to you soon!

Time for some Geek-dom

Just a little Doctor who love.







This next clip is from probably one of my favorite episodes of Doctor Who, I've ever seen. Season fours, 'Silence in the Library'.

the ten

FIRST OFF HAPPY NEW YEARS!
It really was a great year. Lots of learning, growing, and all that barf, friends old & new...it's of course wonderful. I hope all of you had a good year and this next one will only get better.Alrighty.This is something I've wanted to do for long time, and even thought about doing last New Year's but never got around to it, so when I remembered last night driving home @ 4am I figured I would list my 10 top music pick's for '08. And for anyone that knows me, you know that I'm obsessed with music, new favorite band, new favorite song every week. I love this time of year cause that's when all the lists are made and the polls are out for best new album, best new artist...artists to look into, NPR's top rated ya-da ya-da ya-da. I've found a lot of new favorites.Now before you go on, let me warn you that my list does not nessisarily consist 'completely' of GREAT music being made, it's all my taste and my opinion, these are songs that made an impact in my life during the year of '08. For friends that introduced me so some of these artists, I thank you again.
Yes this is boring, who cares...it's mine.

Here is my 10 for '08

10. Lenders in the Temple- CONOR OBERST
This was a recenlty discovered love, but this was a song I listened to on repeat over and over because I couldn't put my finger on just why it 'stood' out to me so. Their simple acoustic rhythm and their 'high in sky' all over lyrics (like the Shins) somehow always find a place to land in my mind."...so watch your back, the 'Ides of March'....I'd give a fortune to your infomercial if somebody only take my call.....If I miss you, If I loved you well that's my fault..."

9. Wuthering Heights- KATE BUSH
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....it is transcending.

8. Starz in their Eyes- JUST JACK
My friend Tyler gave me this CD just before I left for London, I put it on my dad's laptop in Calgary just so I could transfer it over to my ipod before the flight. 'Starz in their Eyes', 'Disco Friends', 'Writer's Block', & 'I Talk to Much' became a sort of anthem for me during the many stressful parts of travel. Something new for someplace new. I listened to that CD constantly.

7. Only Ones who Know- Arctic Monkeys
Hard to explain why this song was constantly on repeat. "Then why ellesse are you writing this stupid note?" Well that's my problem. This song was my night however. "...They made it far too easy to believe that true romance can't be achieved these days...Well I'm sure you could have made it that bit better on your own...."

6. How Can I Stop?- Nancy Elizabeth
Answer to that, cause I can't.

5.Change is Hard- SHE & HIM
I knew that was her real voice, Zooey Deschanel singing in elf! What I didn't know until recently that she was 'She' in the band 'She & Him'. This song I am sure touches a personal level in many a heart but this one was really helpful for me. Isolation crept further away whenever I heard her roaming voice. Beautiful song."I was never enough, but I can try to toughin' up. I heard them when they told me, if he burns ya let him go...Change is hard, I should know..."

4. Death and all His Friends- COLDPLAY
I remember the room specifically. Come last June I was still in London, it was a Sunday night and I was writing my weekly blog sitting in the basement of the Metrogate (F.I.E) house where they had all the laundry machines and computer labs, etc. Coldplay on myspace had uploaded their entire album that you could listen to online, like a week-n-a-half before it was even released! I was listening to it over and over, drilling the songs that would soon become my daily soundtrack. It was after however when coldplay's 4th album 'Viva la Vida or Death and all His Friends' and I finally clicked. I was bymyself, heading back to London from my day at Oxford. I was on the train and alone. The sky was beginning to dark and turn that blue shade everyone I think looks forward to. I played this song over and over, at that moment it was the soundtrack of my life. "...so come over, just be patient, and don't worry.......and in the end, we lie away and we dream of making our escape....

3. Falling Away with You- MUSE
Yeah yeah yeah, this song's been out since 2003 but this individual song was introduced to me only this year. The song to me is almost perfect and is in itself a perfect unchangable memory of a friend of mine. When I think of that person, this song will stuck get stuck in my head. Weird."All of the love we've left behind watching the flash backs intertwine memories I will never find....memories I will never find"

2. The Hill- Marketa IrglovaThis song was introduced to me from alex, so thanks goes to him for this one. This song to me is mainly just visualy stunning. It's a simple song, sad, a song of warning, and a repeating decending scale of notes on a piano. The girl is the room when I hear this song, I can picture everything. Nothing too personal, this song just always hits me, I'm happy this year that it came along. "...And you'll be just a man that once I used to know..."

1. Life in Technicolor, part II- COLDPLAY.Shock, alarm, coldplay made the number one. I can't describe what this song does to me, I remember hearing ever chord and every new lyric as I listened to it driving down 700E. during my birthday. Life had kind of stomach flopped on me at that moment and it seems that Coldplay always gives me the lift up exactly when I need it. "....gravity release me, and don't ever hold me down...
...now My feet won't Touch the Ground...."


*HONORABLE MENTIONS:-
White Winter Hymnal- FLEET FOXES
-'Touch Me I'm going to Scream part II'-MY MORNING JACKET
-Skinny Love- BON IVER
- Fall Apart- CASTLEDOOR
- Kill the Director- WOMBATS
-Black Table-OTHER LIVES. Thanks Chelsea & Grey's
-Masterfade- ANDREW BIRD
-A Cold Wind will Blow through Your Door- BILL RICCHINI
-'Reckoner' and/or 'Just'- RADIOHEAD (Probably because I listened to them on repeat for the entire month of September & August)
-Nicest Thing- KATE NASH
-Grounds for Divorce- ELBOW
-Pick me Up- THE FORMAT
-Wild Horses- ROLLING STONES
Andvari- SIGUR ROS the perfect lull me to sleep
-Good Enough- AMY LEE
-Song to the Siren- COCTEU TWINS (This one is dedicated to Katy Wroble)
-My Never- BLUE OCTOBER
-Love to Me- ADAM GUETTEL (From musical: Light in the Piazza)

SUPPORT PLAYLIST.COM!For those of you who actually read through this, I thank you for some odd reason. Music is for sharing!Love you! And hope this next year only gets better!